Sunday, 29 April 2012

"Once Upon a Time" Flash Fiction entry


As Jamie strolled down the beach the waves lapped at his feet, caressing his bare toes like a girlfriend would.  His right arm ached, the raised fleshy edges of his tattoo still pink and raw.  It would heal by next week, the guy said.   

Sticking out of the sand ahead of him was a wooden post.  A handle, Jamie realised as he got closer. He pulled it several times but nothing happened;  he dropped to his knees and began to dig around its base until his fingers brushed cold metal.

He stood up and gave a final pull, freeing the object.  For a moment he held it aloft then dropped his arms again in shock.  Jamie glanced around and tried to look inconspicuous; no easy feat given he’d just been waving a four foot sword around.

A nearby rock caught his attention. He peered suspiciously into his cocktail glass and then checked again. There was no question about it; sitting on the rock was a genie.  A freaking genie.

“Best put that back” said the genie, examining his fingernails.

 “No way” said Jamie, holding the sword tighter. “I know how this works. I’m not stupid you know.”

The genie looked at the new tattoo on Jamie’s arm; a Chinese character which meant “arm”, and sighed.

 “You’re a genie, right? You owe me three wishes.”

 “Technically, yes. But there are conditions.  No wishing for endless supplies of wishes.”

“How about a wishing tree?” 

The genie rolled his eyes. “No wishing trees. No wishing wells, or magic potions.  Those loopholes were closed down years ago.”

“Fine.  For my first wish....”

 “Something else. Once you let go of that sword, you lose your wishes.  You’re stuck with the thing forever.”

“Wait, I get three wishes and I can keep this sword forever?”

“Yes.  You’ll be forced to.  Good luck getting it through customs.”

“Ah” said Jamie.  “Hadn’t thought of that.”

“Exactly.  Now, if you have no more questions, I’m off.  Once you put the sword back, obviously.”

Jamie sighed.

“OK.”  But I do have one question. What’s the Chinese symbol for ‘genie’?”

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Happy birthday, Luka

My niece, who lives in Australia (which can feel a blinking long way away sometimes) turns one next month.  I still haven't met her, but can't wait until I do.  In the mean time I have written her a story.  Happy birthday, Luka.



The Invisible Thing

 Deep in the jungles of South America, where the waterfalls dance and the warm air smells like coconuts a little girl called Sophie lived with her Dad in a tree-house high above the rainforest.  The house was just big enough for the two of them, and it sat on the widest branch of the tallest tree in the whole jungle.  When Sophie looked out of the window at night she felt like she was right among the stars.  By day when she looked out she could see the rest of the jungle below her, stretching out in every direction like a thick, green blanket.

Sophie’s Dad was a scientist.  It was his job to travel around the world and observe rare and endangered animals.  He would quietly watch them in their natural environments and record what he saw. Then he sent his observations to zoos and museums for other scientists to study.

Even though she lived in the jungle Sophie still had to do her school work.  So every morning she stayed in the tree-house and used a computer to keep up with the rest of her class.  There was a special camera set up in her old classroom, which was over a thousand miles away, and she could watch the lessons and answer questions just like everyone else.  In the afternoons, when her class were doing PE and art and other things she couldn’t join in with, she turned the computer off and helped her Dad with his work.

One bright sunny afternoon she finished her homework and climbed down the rope ladder which hung from a hole in the floor of the tree-house.  She climbed down, down, down through the branches until finally her feet hit the jungle floor.   It was much darker down here, because the tree branches above were so thick and tangled together that hardly any light got through.

She finally found her Dad near a tall banana tree she sometimes liked to climb.  He looked even busier than usual, and was arranging and rearranging a pile of equipment laid out on a big flat rock in front of him.

“What are you hoping to catch today?” she asked.

“Something special” her Dad replied. 

“What sort of something special?”

“I’m not sure yet.  I’ll know it when it comes.”

She looked at the pile of equipment next to him.   Sophie’s Dad had to be very careful not to hurt the animals and so he had all sorts of clever ways of catching them safely. He had different equipment for animals of all shapes and sizes: small nets made from the softest silk to catch things which flew and special sticky paper for catching tiny insects and bigger nets made from jungle vines to throw over elephants and cages made of bamboo for whatever animals might fit in them.

Usually Sophie could tell what he was trying to catch from the equipment he used.  But today he had taken out one of everything, and she couldn’t work out what he was trying to catch.  Sophie was an inquisitive sort of person, and when she wanted to know something it was a bit like having an itch which wouldn’t go away. As she plaited some vines together, she kept on thinking.

“What does your special something look like?” she finally asked.

“No one knows” said Sophie’s Dad. “It’s invisible, you see. But I’ll know when it has arrived.”

Sophie’s eyes grew wide.  The word “invisible” had just been on her spelling list at school so she knew what it meant.

 “If you can’t see it, how will you know it’s here?”

 Sophie’s Dad looked up from his clipboard, with a smile in his eyes. 

“Just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there” he said.  “I’ll know when it has come.  You’ll know too.”

Sophie scratched her nose.  “But......how will we know it’s here?” she asked.

“We’ll know” said her Dad, in a voice which told Sophie there was no point in asking any more questions.  “Just wait and see.”

The next day, once Sophie had finished her school work she climbed down the rope ladder, down, down, down through the branches, and when her feet finally reached the jungle floor she went to find her Dad.  He was counting the spots on a thick python which had curled itself around a tree branch.  Once the python had slithered away, waving its tail at Sophie to say goodbye as it went, she asked the question she’d been wondering about all morning.

“Has it come yet?  The invisible thing?” Her shoulders shrunk when her Dad shook his head.

“It will come when it’s ready” he said. I promise.  Just wait and see.”

Three days went by, and still the invisible thing didn’t arrive.  On the fourth morning, Sophie woke up early and decided to pick some fresh bananas for breakfast.  She climbed down the rope ladder, and  instead of climbing all the way to the ground she stopped when she reached the rainforest canopy. Here, the treetops made a bridge, and she leapt from one branch to the next  When she reached the top of the banana tree she picked the two ripest bananas she could find, and put them into her backpack. As she turned around to go back, she noticed something.

She peered through the branches to get a better view.  Below her, sitting on the floor of the rainforest, was a kind of creature she had never seen before. He wasn’t anything special to look at. His fur was a dull, muddy brown colour, and looked a bit like the washing up water did just before Sophie’s dad threw it away.  He didn’t have any stripes, or spots to count.  He wasn’t quite big enough to ride, but he was too big to carry, and he didn't have wings so he couldn’t fly.  In fact, thought Sophie, it didn’t look like he would be able to do much at all.

"Hello" she called. The creature looked up at her with a pair of bright shiny eyes that warmed her like the sunshine did.  Sophie smiled.  She picked another banana, peeled it carefully and threw it down to the creature.  The creature sniffed at it, ate it in one gulp, and then danced around in a circle.  He waved his tail at  Sophie, who laughed and fed him another banana.  This time, after he ate the banana the creature stood on his front paws, as if he were doing a handstand.  Sophie clapped her hands with delight, and picked some more bananas. 

The creature ate four bananas, and did a different trick each time, always waving his tail at the end, and Sophie began to think that the creature was something rather special after all.

When she began to peel a fifth banana the creature gently shook his head, as if to say he’d had enough.  She put the banana into her backpack with the others, and made her way back to the rope ladder.  As she began to climb, the creature waved his tail at her as if to say goodbye.  “I’ll be back soon” Sophie called to him, and then giggled as he did a back flip.

She  climbed back up the ladder to the treehouse, where her Dad was snoring quietly in his hammock.  Just as she was about to wake him up, a flock of parrots flew past the window and did the job for her. 

“Good morning early-bird” he said, as he rubbed his eyes.  “You’re looking very chirpy.  Has the invisible thing arrived?”

Sophie shook her head.  “I don’t think so” she said then added “But I’m still not quite sure how I’d know.” Her Dad laughed.

  “Just because you can’t see something.....”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not there” Sophie finished for him.  “I know.”  She took the bananas out of her backpack.

“I did meet a new creature though” she said, smiling as she remembered.  “He’s very friendly.  And he can do lots of tricks.”

“Hmmm.”  Sophie’s Dad scratched his beard as he ate his banana.  “Perhaps I’ll take a look.  You should come too. It’s still early enough; there’s plenty of time before you need to log on to school.”

They both climbed down the rope-ladder, down down down through the branches and as soon as they appeared through the canopy, the creature, who had been waiting, leapt up into air.   Sophie was glad to see him there and scrambled down the ladder as fast as she could to greet him.

Her Dad joined them a few minutes later.  “Is this the creature you were talking about?” he asked, and Sophie nodded. 

“Isn’t he lovely?” she replied.
Sophie and the creature played together while Sophie’s Dad watched, smiling all the while.  Finally he stopped them.  “Time to go and do your schoolwork” he said to Sophie, whose heart immediately began to sink.  “You two can play together later” he added. “I think I’ll be able to manage without your help for one afternoon.”

“Maybe we could help you look for the invisible thing” Sophie said.

Her Dad smiled.  “Maybe”, her said, as he watched the creature cuddle up to Sophie. “But somehow I think the invisible thing might just be here already.”

Sophie turned to him.  “Really?  It’s here?” her Dad nodded.

“I think so.”

 “Well aren’t you going to put it in a cage? Or cover it with a net?”

Her Dad shook his head.  “Not for now” he said. “Now off you go.  See you this afternoon.”

Sophie gave the creature one last cuddle, and then had a terrible thought.

“What if he’s not here when I come back?”

“I have a feeling he will be” said Sophie’s Dad. “But I’ll keep an eye on him for you.”

"What about the invisible thing?" asked Sophie.  “Will that still be here too?”

"Yes, I think it probably will" said Sophie's dad, scratching the creature's head.

Sophie found it hard to concentrate on her school work that morning.  She got all sorts of sums wrong which she normally knew the answers to and her teacher, Miss Nelson, had to ask the same question three times before Sophie heard her.  When it was finally time to turn her computer off she scrambled down the rope ladder and found the creature waiting for her.  They played together all afternoon, running through the trees and laughing together and eating bananas, and Sophie felt as happy as she could ever remember feeling. 

Evening came, and as the sun went down and the air grew cool, the fireflies came out and danced above their heads like tiny shooting stars.  Sophie’s Dad came to find her.

“It’s time to go home” he said, and Sophie gave a sigh.

 “Goodbye” she whispered to the creature, as she buried her face in its fur. “I’ll come and see you again tomorrow.”

Later that night, Sophie sat in the tree-house, surrounded by stars, and thought about the creature.  She wondered how he was, and what he was doing, and whether he was even there any more.  Then she remembered about the invisible thing, and wondered if that was still there too.  She tried to peer down through the trees to see but they lived up so high it was impossible to see anything at all, not even the tree-tops. The only thing below her was a giant sea of darkness, and Sophie sighed. 

“I wish our house wasn’t quite so high” she said as she climbed onto her Dad's lap, where she liked to sit and listen to stories before it was time for bed. 

“I thought you liked it here” he said.  “Living up among the stars.”

“I do” replied Sophie. But I wish the ground wasn’t quite so far away.  I can’t see my creature from up here.  Do you think he’s still there?” 

"Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it’s not there”, Sophie’s Dad said quietly. “Or that they're not thinking about you” he added, almost to himself.

Sophie snuggled deeper into her Dad’s lap, and finally understood.

As she slowly began to fall asleep, curled up in her Dad’s lap and surrounded by stars, the invisible thing curled itself around them both too, and gave them an enormous hug.  Even though she couldn’t see it, Sophie knew it was there.  And down in the jungle far, far below, where he’d be waiting for Sophie the very next day, the creature knew it too.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Dieter Meier

Dieter Meier - half of Yello - has a neat way of explaining why we shouldn't be scared of failure: "I think to stumble and fall is great art."

I don't normally turn to Swiss electronica for guidance when considering the more serious questions of life, but I quite like this quote. And not just because I fall over a lot.  Besides, some people call Yello 'the Godfathers of Techno' and godfathers are pretty wise as a general rule.

Yello, if you don't know the name, are responsible for "Oh Yeah", which most people will have heard at the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  The other guy is Boris Blank, which is almost as funny a name as the Riff Raff cinema in Zurich, where a documentary made about the band premiered in 2005.  He's blind in one eye because of a childhood accident involving empty bullet shells and gunpowder, and taught himself about music by playing a home-made bamboo flute.

Dieter Meier comes from a Swiss banking family, and is normally never seen without his signature cravat. When he's not busy being half of Yello he's busy being a millionaire industrialist with interests in the technology industry, or playing professional poker, or designing silk scarves, or making organic wine on his ranch in Argentina, where he also breeds beef-cattle. He's written a children's book and for a brief period he was a member of the Swiss national golf team.


In 1972, as part of an art project, he installed a plaque in a German railway station.  It read “On March 23 1994, from 3 to 4 pm, Dieter Meier will stand on this plaque.”.   in 1994, he did.

Dieter Meier is normally never seen without his signature cravat

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Andrew Stanton : The Clues to a Good Story

Andrew Stanton wrote all three Toy Story films as well as Finding Nemo, A Bug's Life and Wall-E.  He gave a Ted talk recently, in which he shared some of what he has learned over the years about storytelling.  Just as I will never tire of hearing people tell stories, I will never tire of hearing people talk about stories, and Stanton does it briliantly here.



 

There are a lot of moments I love in his presentation, but I think the part I love most of all is where he says that after he wrote A Bugs Life and the first Toy Story, he became so hooked on screenwriting that he wanted to learn everything he possibly could about how to be better at it.  And so that's what he did - he read books and did research and went to seminars on screenwriting EVEN THOUGH HE HAD JUST WRITTEN TOY STORY.






Monday, 12 March 2012

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

From IMDB:

"The U.S. government, eager to protect the nation's avacado supplies, recruits feminist professor Margo Hunt to make contact with the Piranha Women, an all-female tribe who believe men are only good as a source of food. Accompanying Dr. Hunt on her trip are Jim, a guide of questionable competence, and Bunny, a student of unquestionable incompetence"


Dr Hunt is the one in the middle, with the knife (which is how you can tell she's a feminist.)   She's played by Shannon Tweed who a) is the wife of Gene Simmons from KISS and b) was raised on a mink farm.  I can't decide which of these facts I enjoy more.

The screenwriter, incidentally, was, JF Lawton, who also wrote Pretty Woman, and the story is more or less a re-telling of Jospeh Conrad's Heart of Darkness.

Monday, 30 January 2012

What would make we want to start to blogging again after a hiatus of nearly six months?

is what you're probably wondering. 

There are a few things actually. But today it's mainly this. 



Before you ask, I don't quite know how I Googled my way to a Competitive Eating Competitions website either. It's not the most exciting example of web-design (I know at least one person who will be having kittens right now because it doesn't have any pictures) but the content more than makes up for it.

I can't decide what I love the most. First, there's the events.  Competitions like the World Peanut Butter and Banana Eating Contest, which was held in Biloxi, Mississippi a few weeks ago. Or the challenge where a girl called Betty ate one each of all 25 items available in a particular vending machine.  There are events for whole turkeys, for crawfish, oysters, sausages, spaghetti.......you name it, someone somewhere will have tried to eat it. Lots of it. And fast.

The Daddy of all competitive eating contests, though is the Philadelphia Wing Bowl.  Since the inaugaural competition  in 1993, when Carmen "The Beast From the East" Cordero won with a nice round total of 100 wings, the Wing Bowl has pitted the best of the competitive eating world against each other in a fierce competition to see who can consume the most chicken wings. Vomiting, which happens a lot less often than you might think, is known as a ‘reversal of fortune’.

Everyone knows that Bill "El Wingador" Simmons is the king of the Wing Bowl.  I mean, the clue's in the name.  He won five times between 1999 and 2005, then retired, then came out of retirement in 2008 for Wing Bowl 16, and broke the elusive 200 wing mark, which is basically the equivalent of the 4 minute mile.  Unfortunately, so did two other guys and El Wingador only came third.  This was the first year anyone had managed to eat 200 wings; Wikipedia tells me that this had something to do with a change in chicken wing providers that year, but I'm prefering to see it as a Chariots of Fire type moment of glory. 

So the events are pretty special. But then there are the contestants.  I mean, what's not to love about Arlene Kratz - 'Little Arlene' to her fans - who used to do promotional work for the Philadelphia 76ers, who are some kind of sports team.  I've been reading an old LA Times article about hernwhich talks about the time she took on 5 junk-food addicts known as (wait for it......) the Philadelphia Phill-ups.

"The Phill-ups reeled away in belching agony while Little Arlene sat there, daintily dabbing at her mouth with a napkin after inhaling 23 hot dogs, 22 large slices of pizza and 16 large Cokes. She then offered to challenge all comers to an oyster-eating contest. 

'Arlene,' Pat Williams (general manager of the 76ers) said, sighing, 'enough is enough.'

Later, the 76ers received Arlene's hotel bill, and included was a full course roast beef dinner, which she had consumed before the contest. Truly, her digestive tract belongs in the Smithsonian."

As a general rule, competititve eaters have excellent names.  At the 2009 wing bowl Hank the Tank and Da Disposal tied for third place.  Other key players on the circut include Juan "More Bite" Rodriguez, Gravy Brown, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, Andrew "Skinnyboy" Lane, and Rich "The Locust" Lefevre.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Warhorses of Letters

Remember when I got all millitant about Warhorse? I'm about to get more millitant.  And slightly more millitary.

Ages ago I raved about a literary night I'd been to in Kilburn, called Tall Tales.  Among the things I said about it were this:
We were privy to the early stages of an ill-fated equine love affair, conducted entirely by letters. Hints came which suggested there could be a sequel to this at some point; I really really hope there is. 
Various circumstances mean I haven't been to Tall Tales forever, but from all accounts it is going from strength to strength.  They now have a podcast and a website and Toby Davies is still writing brilliant stories which sometimes feature excellently named cats. 

Which is all very exciting for everyone involved, I'm sure.  But the very very exciting news is that wishes sometimes do come true. Warhorses of Letters - the story of the love affair between Napolean's horse Marengo, and Wellington's horse Copenhagen, is going to be broadcast on Radio 4; starting from next week and running for four weeks. 

And that's not even the most exciting part.  The most exciting part is the casting. 
Daniel Rigby is playing Copenhagen, and the part of Marengo is being played by Stephen Fry. Stephen actual Fry.

That's right.  Stephen actual Fry will be on the radio next week, playing a love-struck French horse.  What's not to love? Having heard early versions of the first two installments, let me add the following rider: this would be worth a listen even if it didn't feature Stephen actual Fry.* But since it does, you'd be mad not to tune in.

By now you must be wondering how. If you are in the UK you can hear the first installment of Warhorses of Letters next Tuesday (October 25th) at 11pm.  Also if you are in the UK- more specifically London, more specifically north-west-ish London - you can see the next Tall Tales at the Good Ship in Kilburn on November 24th.  (Unless, annoyingly, you are me.  I can't make this one either.  Don't let that put you off.)   In the meantime, if you live ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD** you can listen to Warhorses of Letters on the iPlayer, from October 25th onwards.

If all that still hasn't convinced you, I should probably mention that co-writer Robbie Hudson  currently appears to be suffering from a very manky-looking, tea-related foot injury.  Surely that deserves a sympathy vote.

*HA! Rider! I didn't even mean to make a joke.


** Also if you are in London.