There are a lot of things I miss about my old office. If I was going to write a list (and don't panic, I'm not) somewhere near the top of that list would be our post-match analysis after each episode of The Apprentice.
The delusional candidates, disastrous business decisions and those golden moments of general incompetence - the great koscher chicken debacle, selling cheese to the French, assembling a mini-tramp on live television - provided endless fodder for conversation, speculation and debate. We had an office sweepstake running and everything.**
And now, here it is, back on telly again, but this time around I have NO ONE to discuss it with. Except...... wait, hang on.......of course I do! (I think you can see what's coming, can't you?)
You lucky people.
There's not actually that much to say about the first episode of the new series of the Apprentice. There never is. The task is usually a fairly straightforward sales job, and is secondary to the main event of getting to know the contestants and trying to work out which ones are going to be the real nutters (Melissa-with-the-blonde-hair-and-glasses is too obvious a choice this year, surely?).
Cue the horrifying sound-bites; cringeworthy quotes from candidates which will come back to haunt them time and time again, or at least until they something even worse. Frontrunners this year include ex-surgeon Shibbi, with "my first word wasn't 'Mummy', it was 'money'" (of course it wasn't, you muppet)and Stuart Baggs (The Brand) claiming everything he touches to gold, although I suspect the thing we actually all end up remembering him for is the invisible calculator he brought into the boardroom. That, or him describing himself as Stuart Baggs (The Brand).
But I'm getting ahead of myself; in the boardroom already, before they've even started the task. As is usual at this stage in the competition it was boys against girls, and they had to make and sell sausages. At midnight, just to make it more dramatic. (And also because that's when suasages are made, probably. I don't know all that much about the sausage manufacturing process.)
But as the night rolled on into dawn, this turned from a simple business task into a text-book introduction to gender stereotypes.
Over in girl-world, Crazy Melissa began by telling everyone how she was perfectly suited to project manage the task, seeing as she works in the food industry and all. Then, after convincing them all how AMAZING she would be, she refused to project manage the task. Joanna stepped in, and Melissa proceeded to argue with every decision she made.
Apart from Melissa, the girls all played nicely (just like girls are supposed to), sold lots of gourmet sausages, and won the task.
Meanwhile the loser boys are being project managed by Dan who, if my hearing serves me well, refers to himself as 'Dan the Man' on at least one occasion. Dan has adopted a somewhat aggressive management style, in the same way that Hitler adopted a somewhat aggressive approach to world domination. No one likes him much, not even posh Raleigh who looks like a harmless sheep and clearly has never had a bad word to say about anyone. Except, as it turns out, Dan.
In between everyone shouting and swearing and throwing testosterone at each other, because that's what boys do, they make not-so-gourmet sausages and Stuart Baggs The Brand tries very hard to sell them. He does this without much success (except in his own head) and they lose the task.
The girls win their prize, which is the same prize they always win in the first week, namely the first chance to see the swanky pad they'll be staying in for the duration, and
Dan takes Stuart Baggs The Brand and Alex into the boardroom with him.
Stuart Baggs The Brand was an obvious choice, but I'm not sure what Alex was doing back there; his only crime against meat during the entire episode was to come up with some quite catchy names for sausages which no one else liked because they hadn't thought of them first. Personally, I'd be first in line to buy a boozy banger; I'm keeping a close eye on Alex.
Sir Alan shouts at the boys for, er, shouting at each other, and fires Dan, but only after telling him off for not sitting up straight. It's that kind of valuable business advice which is the bedrock of this show.
There are some other candidates I haven't mentioned, obviously, but they've not really done anything of note yet. So let me finish by telling you about the board, as if you needed reminding:
YesSirAlunNoSirAlunThreeBagsFullSirAlun Lord Sir Alan Sugar (to give him his full title):
Head honcho, big boss man, all round irritable grump. Of course I'd be much too scared to say that to him in person; and I don't even want a job with him.
Nick Hewer:
The one who isn't Margaret. Worth keeping an eye on if only for the incredible range of facial expressions he employs whenever one of the candidates does something particularly stupid, most of which make him look like a constipated goat.
Karren Brady:
The other one who isn't Margaret. Manages football clubs and is the new kid on the block. The jury is still out, but I think she might be OK, even though she spells her name wrong.
* (As an aside, I was enormously touched earlier this year to hear there were plans to name this year's sweepstake prize the C.H.A.T., in my honour. A little less touched when the same ex-colleague told me a month or so later that he couldn't remember what the initials C.H.A.T. were supposed to stand for. Given it was an A.pprentice T.rophy, and the initials of my name are C.H. it's not that hard to do the maths, or the spelling for that matter. But no mind.)
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