So I expect that like me, you knew even before last week’s Apprentice started that Raleigh had left the building. I first heard on Twitter, first thing in the morning, but it was also all over various websites and newspapers during the day. This irritated me no end. I’m over it now, but with the ire still fresh in mind now seems as good a time as any to mention my spoiler policy in regards to these blog posts. Here’s the deal: I won’t put anything in the titles which gives the game away, but I’m going to assume, if you’re reading these posts, that you’ve already seen the episode. Can’t say fairer than that, right?
Anyway, on to this week. It starts with the early morning phone call - an Apprentice classic -summoning them to Heathrow Terminal 5. On the way the boys conjecture about where they might be going. The Bahamas, suggests someone. Seriously – have they not SEEN this program before? Everyone knows they don’t get to go anywhere exotic until near the very end. Between making redundant travel plans, the boys talk about how they’re definitely not going to let the girlies (their word, not mine) win this time.
Nick and Karrrrrrrrrren are waiting at the airport, but where is SirAlun? I mean, Lord Sugar? ( Is it just me, or does that name still not sound right?) Oh, there he is on the telly. Not our telly, the Terminal 5 telly. Which we can see on our telly. He’s coming to them via video link because he’s far too busy doing business to drop in to Terminal 5. Besides, he probably doesn’t know where it is, given that he has a private jet (I think.) He explains the task - creating a new beach accessory – and tells them Raleigh has gone home because of a family emergency . Then he shifts Sensible Stella over to the boys’ team to even up the numbers.
She is quite excited about the prospect – she’s worked with proper men for years, she says, and this lot are just babies. She’ll soon whip them into shape. So Stella is project manager for the boys, while Laura, who is only 22, volunteers to lead the girls. She says she’ll only do it if they all tell her that they think she is marvellous and the best person for the job. They don’t. Nick pulls a face, the girls begin to squabble. This is not the last time during the episode we will see either of these things happen.
Meanwhile, over on the boys’ team they’ve decided on their product; a towel which rolls up (innovative, no?) and can be used to store drinks and things. Alex, who you may remember as the mastermind behind “Boozy Bangers” last week, is coming up with names again. I’m starting to think Alex is a one-trick pony. His suggestion is Küüli. Note the umlauts, which is what you or I might call the things Alex prefers to think of as little smiley faces.
Next it’s time for some market research on a real actual beach. They boys are off to Bognor Regis, and the girls get to go to Brighton. No one gets to go to the Bahamas. Everyone in Bognor Regis hates the name Küüli, and even the smiley faces do very little to sway them. It also becomes clear that the boys haven’t really thought their product through. What happens when you try and use it as a towel, flinging your drinks everywhere, asks one punter. You could cut the silence with a sea urchin.
In Brighton, where the girls are still trying to choose a product, Joanna is banging on (and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on) about not being able to read books properly on the beach and how it would be wonderful to have a little stand to rest them on. No one agrees. But then, no one suggests an alternative, either.
Some of the girls hit the beach to pitch various concepts to members of the public, including “foot gloves” to stop your feet burning when you walk on the sand. One bloke points out that they might find themselves in competition with lots of other similar products. Well, quite. Shoes, for instance. Eventually Laura, with minutes to spare, decides to go with Joanna’s book stand idea after all. Joanna is very pleased; the other girls not so much.
Meanwhile the boys conspire to put Stella in a bikini for their ad campaign. She isn’t happy with the idea; she doesn’t have time to be a model AND a business woman, she says. Stuart Baggs the Brand thinks the real reason she doesn’t want to “take one for the team” is that she is worried about not looking good in the outfit. Yes, Stuart, that must be the reason. Welcome to 1920. The boys choose an outfit, still convinced Stella will wear it.
Back in London, the prototypes arrive. The Küüli looks great, while the girls have taken delivery of what appears to be a Meccano set. The teams start to practice their sales pitches; Sensible Stella isn’t at all impressed with Chris’s attempts and asks Jamie to have a go instead. Chris is NOT happy. Meanwhile, Melissa is going to be the spokesperson for the girls, and Joanna is not impressed. Cue more arguing, which Laura soon realises she can’t control with her “but I’m the project manager, they are supposed to listen to me” management style. So she walks out of the room. I can't remember if Nick was there, but if he was, he probably pulled a face.
We see a few shots of the photo shoots and oh, look! Stella is modelling after all. At least they didn’t put her in a bikini with tassels. Meanwhile the the girls are busy lugging bags of sand up four flights of stairs to where Paloma is directing the photo shoot, Sandeesh has a gold old bitch about everyone, and they get the fittest girl, whose name I haven’t worked out yet, to be the model.
Oooh! It’s time to pitch!
The boys go to Boots to begin with, facing a very serious looking panel indeed. Chris tells them how stylish and cool the Küüli looks. One of the Boots ladies points out that it looks more like a rolled up towel. I can see her point.
Meanwhile, the girls are at World Duty Free, and one of the panel ask who came up with the idea of the book stand. Joanna claims the credit, and there's another argument because everyone thinks she shouldn't have. Joanna might be a bit of a pain, but seriously – have they all forgotten that NO ONE liked the idea originally? There’s more arguing. Nick pulls some faces.
World Duty free get to meet Stella and the boys next. Things seem to go down well, until they boys try and sell the idea that the Küüli would be an excellent place to store a baby.
The next pitch for the girls is Kit to Fit, and online travel retailer I’ve never heard of. And I travel quite a lot. Just saying. The girls take so long to construct their simple, innovative book stand that Nick almost falls asleep. We don’t see much of this pitch; but the panel seem interested. Maybe they are just being polite.
The girls’ last pitch is to Boots, and Melissa pulls out all the stops, telling the panel all about the book stand’s finest qualities: it’s slick (ooh!) unique (aah!), and bendy (er...what?) In what would be a dramatic twist if it wasn’t for the fact that it happens EVERY SINGLE YEAR in this task, Boots are interested but they want exclusive selling rights. Laura turns them down. Some of the girls think she’s made the wrong decision, and surprise, surprise, everyone argues again. You can probably guess what Nick does.
Now they all have to wait for the boardroom to find out who ordered what. Cue lots of nice shots of London looking pretty. (I think London is very pretty. I love these shots. If I didn’t live in London, though, they would get on my nerves, I think.)
In the boardroom, Lord Sugar tells us all he knows what umlauts are. At least the boys are smart enough not to tell him they were meant to look like smiley faces. The boys all say Stella was a great team leader. The girls aren’t quite as complementary about Laura, or about each other, or about their own product. Nor is Lord Sugar.
The numbers are revealed, and World Duty Free don’t want anything, Kit to Fit order 100 units from the boys and nothing from the girls, and Boots don’t order anything from the boys. Time for some dramatic tension; it looks like the girls might pull this one back after all. After all, Boots seemed to like their product quite a lot. Can they snatch victory from the hands of Stella and the boys?
Of course they can’t, because they TURNED DOWN THE EXCLUSIVITY DEAL, remember? So it’s no sales at all for the girls, which is the worst result ever on this task for anyone ever, we are told. So the boys have won. Their prize is golf lessons and Stella tries to look excited. Maybe they will let her caddy.
Next there’s a quick boardroom wash-up, and Nick points out how well Stella kept the boys in line. Clearly it has nothing to do with her actual management ability; SirAlun (sorry, Lord Sugar) decides it must all be down to her magical and wondrous Woman Power. Karen agrees, and points out that she’s been telling him about magical and wondrous Woman Power for as long as she’s known him. Of course you have, he says! Silly me! They all laugh a lot. The women's movement steps backwards by about 100 years.
We see a few jaunty shots of the boys and Sensible Stella on the golf club, hitting golf balls into the lake, and drinking tea and being slightly patronised but still looking like winners. Then, ooh, look, it's the grotty cafe! Inside, the girls are arguing. Joanna blames Laura for losing the Boots deal, and everyone else joins in. Laura, who from this point onwards permanently looks like she’s about to cry, tells them all they were horrible to manage. Someone blames Joanna for coming up with a rubbish product. There is a lot of shouting.
Back in the boardroom the next day, Joy takes centre stage. I haven’t mentioned Joy yet, because she has done absolutely nothing up until this point. Except apologise a lot. Boardroom Joy is a different kettle of bananas. Their idea was rubbish, she says. They should have spent more time brainstorming ideas, she says. She gets into a huge row with Laura, and then into a huge row with Joanna, and then she whines a bit.
Eventually it’s time for Laura to decide who she’s bringing back to the boardroom, and she chooses Joanna and Sandesh. Both girls say they shouldn’t have been chosen, and Lord Sugar makes the mistake of asking them who should have been brought in instead. Cue more arguing.
Sandesh says she has always given 150%, proving nothing except that she can’t do maths. There’s more arguing. Joanna tries to remind everyone that hers was the only idea on the table. There’s more arguing. Nick slips into a coma. (Not really; but he does look a bit shell-shocked. “I’m numb”, he says.)
Finally Karrrrrrrrren has had enough, and steps in. Stop screaming like a bunch of girls, she tells them. You are BUSINESSWOMEN. You are representing ALL WOMEN ON THE PLANET. You have a RESPONSIBILITY. (I disagree with her on this. I’m a woman and I’d rather not be represented by this lot if it’s all the same, thanks very much. But more to the point, the boys were just as ridiculous last week. No one told them off for not being very good at being men, did they?)
Laura eventually decides to bring Joanna and Joy back into the boardroom with her, and Sir Sugar (no, wait, that’s still not right, is it?) finally fires Joy for not doing anything, but not before reminding Laura yet again that she is the WORST EVER at this task and telling Joanna she had better watch herself, missy. (He doesn’t actually call her ‘missy’.)
So what have we learned from this week's episode? People don't mind if they get sand in their book when they read at the beach. Don't mess with Boots. And girls shouldn't argue, but they are good at sorting out squabbling boys.
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