I am literally speechless. So speechless, I may have to make up some words to replace the ones I can't find to describe the events of last night's episode. (Yes, LAST NIGHT. I imagine that, if you are a regular reader you too are speechless because you have been struck dumb with wonder at the relative promptness of this post. It may or may not have something to do with fact I am meant to be writing a job application at the moment, but either way, well done me, even if I do say so myself.)
We start with a summary of last week's episode. Here's something I never thought I'd say, but I'm going to miss Shibby this week. He was good for comic value. Speaking of comic value, I have just realised how funny it was that Melissa said in last week's boardroom: "For the first time in my life I can honnestly say I minced my words in that pitch." She minces more words than anyone I have ever met. It would have been even funnier if she had said it the week before, when they were mincing meat for sausages, but it's still pretty funny.
Next comes an early morning phone call (no surprises there), and *BAM* - they're off to the Science museum. Whose turn is it to be made to look stupid by failing dismally to predict the task this week, I wonder? Oh, it's Jamie. We must be doing something about science, he says. Or museums.
In fact, it's that task where they have to pick some products and then pitch them to retailers. Alex is sent over to team Apollo to balance up the numbers, and Lord Sugar explains everyone will have their own order books this week. He wants to see EVERYONE sell. EVERYONE. They can run, but they can't hide.
Time to pick the project managers and......WHAT?? Melissa wants to be Project Manager AGAIN?? Jamie wants the job too. This is what happened last week. Am I watching the right episode? Wait....yes, I must be, because they've picked Jamie this time. Meanwhile over on the team which no one ever wants to manage, Chris puts himself forward. Not surprisingly, there's no contest. I've just realised two things about Chris; he is quite posh and has the most incredibly blue eyes. How have I not noticed this before? They are just like.....oh, I don't know. Something really blue.
There's no time to ponder eye-based similes, becuase it's time for the teams to pick their products. They each have to choose two, and contenders include a NASA designed face lift mask which looks like one of those virtual reality helmets which made a brief appearance in the 80s and never quite took off. There's also a slouch-detector alarm for improving posture. You'd probably have better posture if you wore it, but only until someone punched you in the face for constantly making a very annoying beeping sound.
Stella almost passes out when a fit bloke models an ab-sculpting t-shirt and there's some sort of weird double headed garden shovel contraption which I'm sure I would understand more if I gardened, but I don't, so let's just keep calling it the weird double headed shovel contraption. There's also a shower head which will somehow save lots of money on water bills, but no one ever actually explains how. What the shower-head man (and that's a description of his product, not his appearance, by the way) *does* go to great lengths to explain is that the wholesale price is £12.95 or for bulk orders, ones over 1000 units, this can be discounted to £9.95. BUT ONLY FOR ORDERS OF OVER 1000 UNITS, he warns them very sternly. This is called foreshadowing.
The product which gets everyone excited is something called a baby-glow, which is basically a hypercolour t-shirt (remember them?) for babies. It changes colour if the baby gets too hot, giving anxious parents an early warning sign of impending DEATH AND DOOM. (I am being needlessly flippant. It's actually a very sensible product which helps to solve quite a serious issue. But where's the fun in saying that?) Both teams love it. Jamie's team point out they have five kids between them. Stella shouts at Stuart Baggs the Brand for speaking rudely to the baby-glow lady. I didn't think he was that bad, to be honest, but Jamie points out very sternly that Stuart might have cost their team the chance to sell the baby glow. This is also called foreshaddowing.
Sure enough, baby-glow lady picks the other team. Jamie's team have to settle for the weird double headed shovel contraption, (which I'm now wishing I had decided to call something shorter) and the shower head. Meanwhile the other team are being so smug about the baby glow that I can't even remember what else they choose.
Jamie, Melissa and Christopher first pitch to Debenhams, who don't sell showers or garden tools. Melissa thinks they should start to, though. She tells them this quite a lot. They don't agree.
Then Chris and his team visit Debenhams, where Chris pitches the t-shirt (oh, so that's what else they chose.). The buyers quite like it but are not sure whether it's underwear or outerwear. Chris says it's underwear. The buyers think that at £50 it's jolly expensive underwear. I wonder if this means he'll pitch it as outerwear next time? I almost hope so; as much as I'm enjoying listening to Chris talking about underwear in his incredibly posh voice, I don't think I'll be able to cope with it much longer. Especially if they keep showing shots of his incredibly blue eyes.
Next it's silent Liz's turn to pitch the Baby Glow. We haven't heard a peep out of Liz so far, in three episodes but finally here she is. And she's good. She even manages to keep a straight face while blasting a baby with a hairdryer, which is no mean feat. (That's an assumption, just to be clear; I have never actually done this to a baby.)
Back at the house, Jamie's team are planning for tomorrow. Jamie's team have a meeting with B+Q lined up by Lord Sugar, and Jamie announces that it will be himself, Joanna and Chris doing the big pitch. Melissa isn't happy about this. "What's wrong with me?" she asks. "This is my job, it's what I do". Yes, but you are RUBBISH at it, screams an entire nation, except Jamie, who just looks a bit awkward. Melissa has a big old rant but Jamie stands his ground -she's not going to B+Q.
The next day, as well as visiting the big retailers Sir Alan has found for them, the teams are allowed to drum up some business of their own. Chris's team take the baby glow to some boutique stores who think the packaging is cheap and nasty looking. They are right, it is. How did no one notice this before? Maybe they were all distracted by Chris and his incredibly gorgeous blue eyes.
Meanwhile, Laura, Shibby and Paloma are working the streets of Soho. They've got individual order books, but they are all going into each retailer together. What can possibly go wrong? The first sale is supposed to be Laura's, but the other two both step in to 'help' with the pitch and then try and take the order themselves. Needless to say, Laura's not too happy about this; after a bit of arguing they agree to take it in turns to lead the meetings and take the orders.
Cut to Jamie's team. On the way to B+Q Jamie, Joanna and Chris drop into a local village shop and manage to sell 1000 shower units at the bulk discount price. Joanna also finds time to do some cold calling and arranges a meeting with a big plumbing discount store; Jamie dispatches the other half of the team to deliver this pitch. Who'll be presenting? asks Joanna. She has a vested interested in the answer as Jamie has decided she ought to get credit for half of whatever the other team manage to sell, and she's not happy to hear it's going to be Melissa. Well, you wouldn't be, would you?
The meeting doesn't go well, but to be fair to Melissa it's not all her fault. The shower doesn't work in the demonstration and Stuart does his best to fix it by chewing on it, which inexplicably doesn't seem to work. The buyers decide it's too expensive for them anyway, even at the discounted price, and there's no sale.
Meanwhile Chris and Liz are at a big online baby retailer. Liz does her hairdryer trick again; Chris handles the questions and flashes his baby blue eyes at the buyers. It seems to have gone well.
Meanwhile the other half of Chris's team are still in Soho, trying to sell the t-shirt. they go to one shop, where Sandeesh closes a sale, and then try another shop, where it's Paloma's turn to take the lead. The guy in this shop likes the shirt but demands exclusivity. (Come on..... he has had to have been put up to that by the producers, surely?)
"Sure", says Paloma, while Sandeesh quietly turns purple. There's a discussion outside; Sandeesh isn't happy that this means they'll have to go back and retract their offer to the first shop, which means she'll lose her sales figures. She demands half of this sale be placed on her order book instead. Paloma says 50% is too high, because it's a much bigger order, but that Sandeesh can have the value of her original deal and she will keep the rest.
Now Laura's not happy; she stepped in to finish Paloma's pitch, she says, and was responsible for closing the deal, so she should get a cut as well. You might remember Laura; she was the one complaining about other people taking over her pitches about twenty minutes ago.
The girls ring their project manager; Chris tells them that he is worried the deal won't count because the exclusivity would need to be agreed by the supplier. Could this be MORE foreshaddowing? Well, he's speaking in a very stern voice, so it's a good guess.
Meanwhile back on Jamie's team the gap between the two groups is widening. Stella, Stuart Baggs the Brand and Melissa are at a smal retailer trying to sell showers. We can offer a discount price, says Stella. How many do I have to buy for the discount, asks the buyer? 60 units, she says. HANG on....... anyone spot anything wrong here? the deal is made.
Jamie's gang go to B+Q and sell a gazillion items, then laugh at the rest of their team, especially because Stuart Baggs the Brand hasn't got any orders in his book at all. He did work hard in the pitches though. Did no one see him EATING the shower head? Surely that deserved some credit. Nice leadership there, Jamie. (I can't warm to Jamie. Is that obvious?)
We're in the boardroom. Lord Sugar starts with Jamie's team. You wanted the babyglow, he says. Why didn't you get it? I don't know, I mean, we have five children between us, says Jamie. It's Stuart Baggs the Brand's fault. He doesn't have any kids. (I am being a bit harsh here. He didn't say that was why it was Stuart's fault. And I can appreciate that this is a situation where having kids might mean you know a bit more about keeping babies safe; ie don't blast them with a hairdryer. But I do get cross when parents think they know everything about everything becuase they have kids. And this seemed like as good a time as any to have a bit of a rant about it.)
Next Lord Sugar mentions the Debenhams debacle and blasts them for trying to sell inappropriate items. His ire over this is nothing though, compared to SHOWER-GATE. The 60 showerheads sold at £9.99 were against the rules and won't be counted. We will return to Shower-gate.
Over to Chris and we start with a nice close-up of those eyes. Oh my. They really are very, very blue. Why didn't you have a model for the t-shirt, Lord Sugar asks? "We thought it would be better to remain professional" says Alex. Hmmmm....what happened to taking one for the team? Remember Stella in a bikini, anyone? I think Chris ought to have modelled it, with his nice eyes and his nice posh voice he could have sold loads of them. Nick disagrees with me about Chris's voice, saying it's monotonous and likening him to a low flying heavy bomber. I now have a rather lovely vision of Chris in a Biggles-style helmet (no goggles, though; they would hide his eyes) and flying jacket.
Nick takes the girls to task over their Soho squabbling. It seems that neither of the Soho deals will count towards their final total. Harsh but fair, I suppose; they did take the first deal of the table after all, and the second one doesn't count because the supplier hadn't agreed to any sort of exclusivity clause. I have a new theory about Sandeesh and Laura, by the way. I think they might both be robots. It's something about their eyes. (I know, I know. I am obsessed with eyes this week. But seriously, there is something Stepford-esque about both of them.)
It's time for some numbers. Street sales for Apollo, which is Chris's team, come to £3725.90, not counting the deals which didn't count. But the other team blow this out of the water with a figure of £12 000.
At Debenhams, Jamie's team get no orders (no suprises there), but £19 000 worth of orders go to Chris's team, for the Baby Glow. Chris's team all start to look quietly confident. But wait, there's still the specialist shops to go. It's not over yet. Seriously, have they not SEEN this program before?
It turns out B+Q ordered £63 750 worth of spades and showers, giving Jamie's team £76518.80 of sales in total. That's an impressive number, and they all look relieved. But we stil need to hear the final figure for the other team. It's not over yet. Seriously, have they not SEEN this program before?
There is a dramatic pause before Nick announces that Liz (singlehandedly, apparently) managed to get £99 0000 worth of sales from the online baby store, giving Chris, his eyes, and the rest of the team £120,000 worth of sales in total - a record. Melissa looks gutted. I think she knows what's coming.
The winning team go to a spa, the losing team go to the cafe for the usual tea and arguing, and then the boardroom.
Lord Sugar immediately points out that Stella, Stuart Baggs the Brand and Melissa were the real problem, bringing in only £897 of the team's total sales between them. Jamie agrees, and Stuart Baggs the Brand blames Melissa. Karren tells Melissa she's not good at pitching. Jamie tells Melissa she's no good at pitching. Lord Sugar tells Melisssa she's no good at pitching. Melissa tells them all that in fact she's very good at pitching. Can you spot the odd one out?
Next Lord Sugar has a go at Stella because of Shower-gate. He asks her how she could stand by and let the sale happen at the wrong price. When I first watched the episode last night, I was outraged by this. How dare he pick on Stella? I LOVE Stella! Stella to win, I've been saying. But watching it again today (such dedication!) I realised that it wasn't that she just stood by to let it happen - she actually LED ON THE SALE. So she deserves the blame in this case, and I say that with a heavy heart. Then again, she also tried to blame the others for not jumping in to say anything, and then claimed she didn't hear the condition about the bulk order price being limited to 1000 units in the first place, which was a bit lame. I may have to re-think my position on Stella.
When he's asked who he wants to bring back to the boardroom, Jamie raves about how fantastic Jo was (I think Jamie has a bit of a crush on Jo, between you and me) and after being hurried along by Lord Sugar he chooses to bring Stuart and Melissa.
It's all car crash TV from here on, basically; the boys blame Melissa, who still thinks she pitched brilliantly; Melissa thinks the boys are ganging up on her, and makes up a stream of words to argue her case - analysation, professionality - before being fired and then hurling some vitriol at the boys as she leaves. It is hideous to watch.
Meanwhile Chris and his team have a lovely day out at a spa hotel having treatments and massages and cocktails. This is a lot less hideous to watch.
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