The physician's tale: Virginius the knight has a beautiful daughter, imaginatively called Virginia. (Did you know, incidentally, that George Foreman has five sons called George and a daughter called Georgetta? I wouldn't have picked George Foreman as a Chaucer man, but who knows; maybe Virginius was his inspiration.)
Virginia, who is quite beautiful, goes into town with her mother one day and is spotted by Appius, the town magistrate. "Phwoar, I wouldn't mind a bit of that" he thinks when he sees her. Appius doesn't have a single romantic bone in his whole body. So instead of doing what any nomal bloke would do when confronted with a girl he quite fancies, like suggesting they go for dinner and a movie, or sending her flowers, he ropes in a villanous rogue called Claudius to help him concoct a plan to steal Virginia's virginity.
The plan is this: Claudius will bring a law suit against Virginius, claiming that years ago, Virginius stole one of his servants and brought her up as his daughter. The magistrate, who would be presiding over the case, of course, will rule in favour of Cluadius, and demand that the girl is returned to him immediately.
So that's exactly what happens; a somewhat confused Virginius is summoned to the court room, bamboozled with legalese, and before he knows it, finds himself having to tell his beautiful daughter that she's off to live with Claudius and will have to do whatever he wants her to. And I think we all know exactly what that will involve, don't we?
Virginius and his daughter know too, and between them they decide it would be better for Virginia to die, rather than to lose her virginity to a swine like Appius. So Virginius, full of sorrow, cuts off his daughter's head and takes it back to the courtroom. Appius is outraged and orders Virginius to be hanged immediately. Luckily, the local people have also worked out what Appius and Cluadius are up to, and decide to get involved. A mob of them march into the courtroom and throw Appius into prison, where he promptly hangs himself, and Claudius is sent into exile.
The Pardoner's Tale: The pardoner does a couple of things just before he starts telling his story. First, he pops into the pub for a pint and a pie. Then, as those who have just downed a quick pint are sometimes prone to do, he gives everyone a lecture. Gluttony is bad, he tells them all (through a mouthful of pie). Perjury and cursing are bad. Wine is bad. Spanish wine is the cheapest and the worst, he says. (I'm not sure I agree, actually; I had a particularly nice Rioja over the weekend.) Gambling is really bad. Eventually he begins his tale.
Three friends, who quite like doing all of the things the Pardoner has just told us are so bad, are drinking together in a tavern one morning. They notice a coffin going past, and wonder who is inside it. A servant tells them the dead man was an old acquaintance of theirs, and that he had been killed by Death. Oh yes, chips in the landlord. Death has been crawling all over this town lately, bumping literally thousands of people off. He's a right pain in the neck.
The friends decide to seek out this guy Death and teach him a lesson, which sounds exactly like one of those ideas which makes perfect sense if, and only if, you're in the pub. Just after they leave the tavern, they come across an old man who they are convinced is in cahoots with Death, and demand he tells them exactly where he is. The old man isn't stupid and decides the best thing to do with three young, tipsy blokes is to humour them. So he tells them they will find Death just up that path over there, under a tree.
They set off up the path, and sure enough they find a tree. But underneath it, instead of Death they find a massive pile of gold. This prompts them to forget all about Death, and they focus instead on how to get the gold home. One of them, probably the least drunk of the three, points out quite rightly that they can hardly carry it in broad daylight, so they decide to wait until darkness falls.
It's still quite early, so they draw straws to decide which one of them should go back into town and fetch provisions to see them through the day. As soon as the loser has set off, the others conspire to kill him and share the treasure between the two of them. Meanwhile though, he's thinking of ways he can keep it all himself. So don't feel too sorry for him.
They guy who has gone into town picks up some poison at the local apothecary, and then stops in at the tavern, where he buys three bottles of wine, and puts poison into two of them. When he gets back to his mates they kill him straight away, just as they had planned. But then they drink the wine, so they die too. At this point in a story one would normally say and they all lived happily ever after. It doesn't quite seem appropriate here.
It's not a particularly heart-warming tale, this one. Do you need cheering up now? Perhaps some super-cute baby animals will do the job:
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