New York Stories

Due to various circumstances (rotten cold, application deadline looming, and the Sopranos box-set I've just been loaned flirtatiously peering at me from my bookshelf )  I'm struggling to come up with words today, let alone assemble them in some kind of  order that might be considered sensible.  Which makes this as good a time as ever for some New York photos.

This is the Alamo cube sculpture, at Astor Place in East Village. I stumbled over it quite by accident, and I fear it may be one of those things which looks more impressive in real life than in a photo.  Maybe it will help to say that it weighs around 1000kg and each side is about 8ft long (This is assuming, of course, that you are the sort of person who is impressed with big heavy stuff.  I am open to the possibility that not everyone is.)  

I have just found out that if you push it hard enough, it spins around.  There are no words to explain how gutted I am to have discovered this now, rather than before I went.

I got off the subway at Astor Place on my way here: 

Unless you are as obsessed with a certain film as I am, the name of this deli probably won't mean much.  This is what it looks like on the inside:

Can you pick the film yet?  No?  This might help:

Yep, it's where *that* scene from When Harry Met Sally was filmed.  I don't have a photo of the actual table they used, because at the time it was being occupied by a very serious looking Goth couple who, despite not looking like your average chick-flick fans, were on a pilgrimage of their own and had settled in for the afternoon with trays of sandwiches and sodas.  I didn't like to disturb them.

A few more pictures for WHMS fans:

Washington Arch, where S drops H off when they first arrive.  "Well, have a nice life"

You need to use your imagination for this one, but, zoom in a bit, add a few autumn leves, and look:

Hmmm. On second thoughts, you know what?  You may just have to take my word on this one.  Anyway, it's Central Park, which also looks like this:

A little known fact about New York:  Customs staff check your camera at the airport, and if the photos on it do not include one like this, a night shot of the Empire State Building, and a picture containing a yellow cab, the cliche-police won't let you leave.

Bad form

Someone refused to give me a reference today.  To soothe the savage rage which I can only assume is now burning a hole deep in your heart on my behalf, let me explain something:  she is a Head Teacher I worked for 7 years ago, and haven't had anything to do with since.  So I can't say I blame her, really.  I mean, I could have been up to all kinds of no good in the last seven years. (If you are reading this because you're considering employing me and are doing background checks, then please note: I have not. I promise.). 

What I'm really annoyed about is the fact that I know perfectly well she was the most inappropriate person to ask (I'm not stupid) but I didn't have a choice, thanks to the world's stupidest online form. 

It all began a couple of weeks ago, when I applied to mark Key Stage 2 SATs tests this summer.  The application process involves an online form, which kicks you off the system if you can't provide certain information about some of the basic criteria you need to meet to be a marker.  I can see why this makes sense.  They want people who have a teaching qualification, for instance, so if you can't furnish the details of the institution where you studied, or the degree you obtained, there is no point carrying on answering the rest of the questions.  Saves time and heartache for everyone.

Another essential criteria for markers is having had some UK teaching experience, so one piece of information which the form asks for is the details of your most recent teaching post.  As it happens, I haven't been a permanent, full-time teacher since I worked at this particular Head Teacher's school seven years ago.  I did do bit of supply work after I left and then worked for a couple of private companies doing advisory/consultancy work with schools, but didn't work directly for any of them.  So, technically speaking, her school is my 'most recent' teaching post, and those were the details I put down. 

The problem came when, several questions later the computer helpfully auto-filled the 'references' section with these details, and wouldn't let me change them.  Even though I had filled in lots of other questions about more recent periods of employment, there was no way to tell the form "don't ask her, ask one of these people instead".

Trying to make the best of a bad situation, I decided, out of courtesy more than anything else, to send a quick email to this woman, explaining what had happened, and that I hoped she didn't mind, and that she might hear from the company running the tests, and how I realised it was a bit odd to have to be asking someone I knew so long ago for a reference.  (At least, I thought I had explained all of that: the email I got from her today, saying she felt reluctant to provide one, and why, suggests I didn't do as good a job as I thought I had.)

Basically what I am saying is, it was a pretty stupid online form. There must be lots of people in my situation:  advisors, school improvement partners, retired teachers, independent consultants and the like, who are perfectly qualified to mark test scripts but haven't been in a classroom for a while.  In fact, if memory serves me correctly, and I could be wrong about this because I don't have time right now to check, I *think* they actually target people exactly like this in their advertisments.

I can see that it would be necessary to verify that I did actually teach at this particular school, and if the 'reference check' was just a fact checking mission, rather than a request for a comment about my abilities, I would be perfectly OK with that. But if it is anything more than that, which I suspect that it is, then it's a pretty stupid form.  Why not let you choose who you want to nominate as your reference?

In happier, and totally unrelated, news: I have been working at Royal Festival Hall today and this morning wrote something to that effect on Twitter.  Within half an hour, I had two festivals following me.  I am now looking for any opportunity to shoehorn the words "attractive, eligible, kind, smart, and funny men" into all future tweets.

If you are dieting, do not read this

I have never quite worked out what Posterous is for, but Daniel Young, the guy who runs youngandfoodish.com (great name, no?) clearly has. I'm glad, because otherwise  I would never have known about this:

That, cholesterol fans, is a plate of Cadbury Creme Eggs Benedict.  I am deadly serious. Those things which look like hash browns are FRIED CAKE.   If you are feeling brave (or are just insane) here are the full instructions, courtesy of cakespy.

(One person says in the comments:  I can't decide whether to throw up or make this for lunch.  Good point well made, I think.)

I am reminded of a poster I saw in New York:

This was at Eleni's cupcake shop, at Chelsea Market, which is brilliant and well worth a visit if you are in the Big Apple.  Americans, as you may already know, take their cupcakes very, very seriously.

Here's another picture:

 This is not a cupcake; it's the burger and fries at The Spotted Pig, also in New York.   If you are going to New York and ask people you know for suggestions of what you should do there, chances are EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU SPEAK TO will tell you about the Spotted Pig. At least that's what happened to me: three friends, a New Yorker I met at a wedding in Sydney, and two different in-flight magazines recommended it.  I'm extremely glad I listened to them.

If you have not been put off Cadbury Creme Eggs completely by the idea of Bennedicting them, you might like this, which comes courtesy of http://www.pimpthatsnack.com/:

Just to be clear, that's a normal sized creme egg in the bottom corner. 

Pimp That Snack (fans of intellectual property law might be interested to know it used to be called something else) is the kind of website you shouldn't start to explore unless you have some time on your hands.  My friend Suse told me about it: she also pointed me towards whatnottocrochet.com, which could also chew up lot of your time, if you are anything like me.  Here is a taster:

I mean, who *wouldn't* want a zebra head made of wool?

Yesterday

Big day yesterday.  I got up at 5am and didn't get to bed until just after 4, so it was nearly like living through an entire series of 24, in real time.  Except for the significantly reduced body count. Also, no helicopters.  Otherwise, exactly the same.

The early start was because I had a job interview not very near where I live.  I'm not going to say too much about it just now for various reasons.  One thing I will say, is that there are many questions to which the answer "not much" would be entirely appropriate:

"Do you like cucumber?"
"How much have you had to drink?"
"What did you think of Damien Rice's second album?"
"More new shoes? What did they cost?"
"Is this going to hurt?"


But when you're in a job interview, and someone says  "So, you finished working for your last company in January. What have you been doing since then?" well, let's just say that's not one of those questions. 

On a brighter note, I also started a creative writing course yesterday and the first lesson, last night, was great.  Among other things, we had to interview someone else in the class and write up what we learnt about them as if it was one of those little author blurbs you read on the back of books. Becky, the girl I interviewed, asked afterwards if she could have a copy of what I'd written about her, so that was kind of nice. Should be a fun course, I think.

It wasn't the writing class which kept me out until 4am:  I went to meet friends afterwards, who were in a wine-bar in Victoria, and when we got kicked out at closing time the idea of going to find a late-night comedy club seemed eminently sensible.  Don't ask me why.  There is a small possibility I was clinically sleep deprived by this point. 

We're FAH-mily (even the guppies)*

Best thing I have overheard in a long time:

"Gosh, sometimes it's just like Eastenders, your fishtank"

The mind boggles.

*There *has* to be a better Eastenders/fish joke than this, but I'll be darned if I can see it. Answers on a postcard, please.

PEANUTS. No reason.

You're a good man, Charlie Brown.

Great News!

The job hunt is off.  I was emptying out my spam folder this morning, and thank goodness I don’t like to throw anything away without checking what it is first.  Otherwise, I would have missed this:


ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONITARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING 935
PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON,
D.C. 20535-0001

TEL+1-202-324-3447

ATTENTION: Beneficiary

This Is An Official Advice From The FBI, Foreign Remittance/Telegraphic Dept. (FRTD), It Has Come To Our Notice That The (Central Bank of Nigeria) C.B.N and there local Banks in Nigeria Has Released Your Full Inheritance/Contract Payment Of 10,000,000 U.S Dollars Into Bank Of America In Your Name As The Beneficiary as there Corresponding Bank USA.

TEN MILLION DOLLARS!!! Excellent. That would certainly take some of the pressure off.


The Bank In Africa Knowing Fully Well That They Do Not Have Enough Facilities To Effect This Payment From Europe To Your Account and they Used What We Know As A Secret Diplomatic Transit Payment S.T.D.P To Pay This Fund Through Wire Transfer.

Wait a minute.....Europe? But I thought the money was coming from Nigeria. Still, who am I to argue. I mean, come on, it’s TEN MILLION DOLLARS!

They Are Still Waiting For Final Confirmation From You On The Already Transferred Funds, To Enable Them Crediting Into Your Account Accordingly.

No problem. What do they need to know?

Secret Diplomatic Transfer Payment Are Normally Funds Related To Drug/Terrorist And Money Laundry System Of Payment

Oh. Thanks for the heads-up.

 Silly question, maybe, but if they are *secret* diplomatic transfer payments, how do you kn......? Wait, never mind.  I forgot you’re the FBI. Of course you're meant to know about secret stuff.


Why Must Your Payment Be Made In Such Secret Transfer, If Your Transaction Is Legitimate And Not Related To Drug/Terrorist And Money Laundry, Why Can't The Bank In Africa Via Europe Effect Direct Transfer Into Your Account Than Secret Diplomatic Payment Transfer.

That's a very good question. Although I’m not sure I like your tone.

Due To The Increased Difficulties And Unnecessary Scrutiny By The American Authorities When Funds Come From Through Such Payment Process From Europe, Africa And Middle East, Based On The Records We Had In The Past Always Identified Such Method Of Payment As Drug/ Terrorist/Money Laundry Funds, To Avoid Problem With The Us Government

Better safe than sorry, I suppose, although it does seem a little unduly harsh on all of the legitimate secret diplomats. 

As Soon As These Funds Reflect In Your Account In The U.S.A, It Is Our Mandatory Obligations To Ascertain The Documentation And Certification Of This Funds Before The Final Crediting Into Your Account.

Well, since it’s mandatory.......

We Advice You Contact Us Immediately, As The Funds Have Been Stopped And Held In Our Custody Pending When You Were Able To Provide Us With A Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (Dist) and letter of indemnity Clearance Certificate Within 24hours From The United Nation International Fund Monitory Unit (UNIFMU) That Authorize The Transfer And Certified That The Funds Originated From Africa And Middle East Is Free From Terrorist/Drug And Money Laundry Or We Shall Confiscate The Payment.

Good advice. Let me see if I can remember where I put those.

We Will Allow the Funds to Be Release into Your nominated Account Immediately You Make Provision the Required Document. You Will Be Directed Where and How To Get the Document If It Is Not In Your Possession.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,
FBI Director ROBERT S. MUELLER III

Whoa, how did you know I might not have the document in my possession? Oh yeah, I forgot: you’re the FBI. You guys are good.